hello darkness….my old friend

So here I am down in a deep dark hole,it feels as if the air just keeps getting thinner and thinner. I’ve had a Rollercoaster of a week so far. But today I let it get the best of me beyond belief,i havnt felt this low in a long time. I felt my body get so warm,it felt as if my throat was beginning to close up.the anxiety attack took me by surprise and I barely remember finishing up at work. All I could so was shake and hopefully get to my kids and return home. Why me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why was I made to believe so many lies? Why would you take vows with me to do nothing but rip them to shreds?! I feel as if every word he ever said just cut right thru me and as I bleed out he just watched. I hide from my kids the best I can when this happens. I try to get them occupied and then I release what emotions I can on the bathroom floor. I’ve prayed for miracles to happen,give me back my life,my marriage my happy endding. What did I do so wrong to deserve every once of pain and suffering I have had to endure. My kids don’t see it,I smile for them. I prayed and prayed until there was no more praying. I have fought with my beliefs for the past 10 years and I finally realized who I was and what I believed in,so the prayers stopped,it no longer look to a god for answers. I’ll never know why he choose to make me believe he was my prince charming but he turned out to be everything but that. I do still love him,and I honestly don’t think that feeling will ever go away. He was suppose to be my happily ever after. He was my husband and the father of my children but he ripped that away from me without even a forewarning. The I’m sorrys weren’t enough anymore,they were just words that blew by. He has been trying to put bandaids over bullet holes as I’m trying to pick up pieces of myself that I allowed to shatter. I would do anything in this world to have back what I feel that I deserve. But for now I will continue taking it day by day,picking up pieces. And hoping that maybe one day he will see all the heartache he caused me.

hello darkness….my old friend

Well atleast the kids are alive….. 

so I’m new to this whole blog thing,but I hope it helps me in in whatever way I need it to,so I will be writing about LOTS of different topics and or just randomness that I wanna ramble on about….

My first post was about mental and emotional issues I have….

But this one… I just need to say I know there are tons of other parents out there who can relate…. 

My kids can really push me to the edge of insanity, and what broke me today was when magically both of my favorite coffee mugs were broke in a matter of 10mins tops between the 2. It is a never ending war in my home between my 2 boys and little lady. 

I have came to the conclusion that my kids have it out for me,like I believe they know what they are doing to me and they just push and push

I love all 3 of my kids dearly but they can be little assholes to each other,and let’s not forget my oldest will soon be 11 so he is on on the edge of being a teenager and has already began Puberty….. so he has grown some major balls with that mouth at times.
So I guess my rambling has led to hey I kept all the kids alive today,without feeling like I wanted to play in traffic To make all the  chaos Stop…

 kudos to me!

Well atleast the kids are alive….. 

Really good days and horrible f**king days….

Being a female fucking sucks…. huge balls!
I’m sure men have there emotional and mental moments,but men are for the most part raised as “don’t you show emotion,MAN UP” but us women,some do good,others just share it with the world….. but let me tell ya what happens emotionally and mentally to us women when we are raised with/around or in certain types of relationships with toxic people…. I know I know…..”JUST SUCK IT UP” “THEN JUST LEAVE” “STOP DWELLING OVER IT” “OH WELL GET OVER IT” “THATS STUPID”….. sound familiar?!? Yeah I’ve heard all those myself,from people that I would have thought would comfort me and say encouraging words,and yes there is TOUGH LOVE,BUT let me take you into the mind of a female who has suffered from emotional,mental & physical abuse, abandonment issues,tons of insecurities,being a manic depressive,split personality,bipolar disorder, extreme anxiety & panic attacks….. DAMN THATS ALOT! And believe me it is one hell of a ride inside my head on a daily basis.

Why am I not enough?

What did I do wrong?

Why can’t I be beautiful like her,her or her?

Am I that hard to love?

Am I not skinny enough?

Maybe if I lose weight and wear 5 pounds of makeup you’ll love me.

Why didn’t anyone care?

What does she have that I dont?
Then it’ll flip on me….

I’m too much woman that’s why.

I am beautiful.

I wasn’t the problem they were.

I have everything and more to offer.

I can be loved.

I don’t need makeup or to starve myself to get anyone’s attention.

I don’t need them I have myself and that’s all that matters.
This battle goes on and on day in and day out,I can go a couple of days and be fine,but then like the flip of a switch it will eat me alive inside my head for days,and it doesn’t take much to trigger it.it could be a song,a sign,just something random or nothing at all,it just starts happening,every bad fucked up situation in my life is like a slide show in my head.
It’s very difficult to manage without taking medication.BUT I do it EVERYDAY. I am a mental health advocate,I fully support people getting help and doing what it takes to get on with their life and make the best of it.me personally,i started seeing a counselor at the age of 10,and by the age of 14 I seen a therapist and a psychologist almost on a weekly basis,I took a bunch of medication,ranging from depression pills,pills to help with bipolar,pills to help with insomnia….it doesn’t sound like alot but it was especially for a 14 age old freshmen in highschool. I at one point went days without sleep due to horrible insomnia. I personally have looked my own mother in her face and watched her cry because she couldn’t figure out why I did not wanna live anymore,I have told her I didn’t want to. So yeah we can go ahead and say that I at one point was suicidal.
I have hit some pretty bad rock bottoms,but I have also pulled myself out of them. Not all who hit bottom can do that.
So now that I have shared this with you, I must say…. my days can be really good or extremely bad,but from where I’ve been to where I am now I can say I am very proud to say on those bad days I wanna curl up and lock my bedroom door as I sleep the day away,but I get up I take care of my kids,I have a full time job that I give my all to,I try to be there for everyone else,and I have to force myself somedays,it’s very hard.and even more hard when I try so hard to not let my kids see their mom down like that. It is extremely emotionally and mentally draining.
So ladies and gentlemen it is really difficult,I know there is no way for me to take it all away but I can say on those good days let the joy and laughter shine thru and don’t dare let that smile leave your face.
Be strong my loves!

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthadvocate #shitdays #happydays #alltimehigh #thelowestofthelow #supportsystem

Really good days and horrible f**king days….